Wondering how to Repair a Relationship With a Toxic Parent?

For most, Father's Day is synonymous with cookouts, ties, and endless social media posts regarding the important men in our lives that help shape us into the adults that we become. For my siblings and me, Mother's and Father's days served as a reminder of how much the children in our family had learned to rely on one another instead of adopting the traditional paradigm of relying on our parents for emotional and financial support.

I am Katherine Dollison, the oldest of five children. For most of my life, I have served as our family's matriarch, providing financial, domestic, and emotional support to my four younger siblings (whether they asked for it or not). I taught my younger brothers how to pee in the toilet (I used Cheerios to teach them to aim) and read and bought them their tuxes for prom. I paid for my sister's cheer camp and cosmetology school and often offered up my home as a place for everyone to live when life got them down. Most importantly, I took on this role as a 19-year-old girl who was just getting to know herself. Now at 35 years old, my former absentee parents are reflecting upon their actions in their almost golden years, trying to be the parents they failed to be in our youth.

All people have a biological family, but that doesn't necessarily mean those people are a part of their lives. It may seem easy to establish a healthy relationship with your parents, but for some children, dozens of factors make it difficult. Maintaining a healthy parent relationship can be frustrating and challenging for some.

There are no perfect parents. Every once in a while, your parents will embarrass you or annoy you for no reason. Those are all common feelings you might have towards your parents, but other types of parent-child relationships might need a little attention. Even though these relationships are hard to re-establish and maintain, especially after a dramatic incident if you're willing to forgive and let go of the past, there are ways to do it. Every parent-child dynamic is different. Ultimately, it's your choice. If you know that building a relationship with a parent won't work, then you know how to proceed. However, if you want to re-establish your relationship with your parents in a healthy, safe way, these methods have helped me in my journey.

1. Don't argue over trivial shit

Trying to blame the other person won't solve anything. You must remember that you are trying to fix the problems, not just punish your parents for their mistakes. You need to focus on communicating, not blaming.

2. Get back on track slowly

When you are trying to mend a broken relationship, remember to take your time. You will be able to make everyone's lives easier if you put as little pressure on them as you can.

3. Examine yourself as well

Try to look within yourself instead of focusing solely on what your parents did. Conflicts are ordinarily two-way streets, and if you want to build a good relationship with your parents, you'll also need to figure out what you need to fix within yourself.

4. Create New Boundaries

This is especially important in my specific situation. Recently, we had a suicide-related death in the family, and I will be relocating so I can be an additional pillar of emotional support for my nephew. My parents sometimes think that if I have a relationship with my nephew, they don't have to attempt to (kind of a 'you got this' attitude).

Although you may think things can go back to how they used to, you need to set clear expectations for your new relationship. It's important to set healthy boundaries about what the relationship should look like going forward. If the other person does not like them, that's their choice, not yours; all you're doing is trying to set up a healthy relationship.

5. Know Your Limits

Those who know me know I am the poster child for taking on too much at once. I have a very extreme personality, so I enjoy putting myself under physical and intellectual pressure. This attitude has served me well in the past but can sometimes leave me feeling bitter when I apply it to my emotional life.

Don't do anything you're uncomfortable with, especially if you have a toxic parent. Agree only to what you can handle. If the relationship is particularly toxic, have stricter and more restricting boundaries. This might mean less frequency and time, but still communication.

6. Avoid personal attacks

You cannot have a healthy relationship if you focus on what they did wrong instead of finding a solution. Work on issues, not feelings. Work on problems instead of arguing. Keep it on point, listen, but also be assertive. You don't have to get into personal attacks, even if you're attacked.

7. Focus on the present, not the future.

You shouldn't let your fear of conflict keep you from having a healthy relationship with your parents. I would prefer to try than regret not trying at all. However, I have found that people wait to have conversations because they want to avoid conflict. If you are going to improve the situation, why wait?

8. Be realistic about your expectations

When my dad and I started talking, I thought he expected me to come and visit, talk every day, and go out for ice cream as though a single call could wipe away years of disappointment and radio silence. As a parent and a child, you must set realistic goals during your reconciliation journey. Although it is nice to think your parent or child will always be perfect, remember that they are human and make mistakes sometimes.

9. Speak your truth & assert yourself.

Honesty can be difficult, especially when it hurts another person's feelings. As long as you are calm and respectful, hopefully, your parent will appreciate your honesty, which will lead to a new and healthy relationship. Be honest with your mom, dad, and child if you want a stable relationship with them again. It's okay to take baby steps in the right direction if you're not looking backward.

Over 80% of people have suffered from one form of abuse from a family member. Given this alarming statistic, what ways have you found to be effective when reconciling an abusive or toxic relationship with a family member that wants to make things right? This conversation should not be limited to just parents and children.

About the Author - Katherine Dollison is a digital marketer, website designer, and voice-over artist. She has created and optimized content and analyzed website, CRM, and social media performance over the past 10 years. In the past, she developed and maintained content for consulting firms, authors, and the gas and construction industries. Currently, she works full-time for one of the world's largest digital marketing companies, Publicis. Aside from that, Katherine has a wide range of voiceover experience. Aside from producing over 75 audiobooks, she also produced commercials for Hefty and other companies.

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